I have never thought too much about goodbyes, maybe I haven’t said a great deal of them in my time, maybe I was just not bothered and was all stoney faced about them. Who knows. Maybe it is because I am now a mother and my icy heart is melting around the ages. Ok that is a lie. It’s turned to complete mush.
Saying goodbye, these days, bothers me. I don’t like it.
I know I am not alone, no body really likes them. Unless it is goodbye sleepless nights, or goodbye cold rainy weather, hello sunshine. Those goodbyes I can get on board with. When my nan’s daughter left the country with her husband and three children to start a new life in Australia my nan literally did not say goodbye to her.
It was a big goodbye to have to say, it was a game changer for all. They would go from seeing each other almost daily to yearly. From helping to raise her grandchildren to distant telephone conversations. This was over 10 years ago before FaceTime – even if it was now I doubt Nanny Pat would have got mastered the video call. I digress. When the house was empty, boxes on containers around the world and all that was left was for a family of 5 to bid their Nan goodbye and get into the taxi she was gone. She literally walked away without a word.
You see the problem with goodbyes is they’re just too painful.
You might see it as harsh or criticise her decision to not bid her oh so beloved family farewell on such an exciting adventure. I would understand it but I also understand why she didn’t. Or more accurately couldn’t.
Like I said, goodbyes can be just too painful.
They can hold the unknown.
They can be fully loaded and you could be saying goodbye to so much.
It may be that you are just saying goodbye, for now. Until the next time. This is me, every 6 weeks or so. Every 6 weeks or so I say goodbye to Nanny Pat after her 4 day stay with us Tammys’. Goodbye until next time. I have just said goodbye to her, but it is only for 4 days when I will see her again.
Yet I dread the goodbye. Each and every time she goes. I loathe it. I know it is not forever yet I can’t help but hate it. It is almost enough to make you wonder whether the time spent with is worth the goodbye to welcome the time without. Of course I know it is but that fleeting knot in your stomach of a goodbye hurts.
Nanny Pat’s departure isn’t just the departure of company and a helping hand with two toddlers. It feels like the departure of a little piece of me. A piece of my family and my history in a world where I have had to carve out my own. One that is comparatively in it’s infancy. She is going back to my people and my world and I am left behind. It is sad. Sad until I look down at the two little hands holding mine as her train pulls away from the station. You see as sad as it is, I choose it this way and I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t want to be in my old life without the people that make my life what it is now. I have my own family and I am grateful to call them mine.
I really wouldn’t change any of it. It is ok to be sad when saying goodbye it means I have something special to miss and something special to look forward to.
It doesn’t however make the problems with goodbye any easier. Goodbye is and will always be a problem, even if it is goodbye for now.
I told you, those babies broke my steely heart.