I Want More

Zara and Toby running through woods

Its a strange feeling, when you decide not to return to work after maternity leave. Whatever your reasons may be, it doesn’t change the fact your are walking away from a chapter in life. You are starting anew and afresh but you are definitely leaving something behind. You may be happy to walk away from your former life, to shut the door and never look back. Or you may, like me, be a little skeptical. Wonder what the future may hold, miss the feelings associated with pursuing a career and on the really bad days you may even feel like ‘this is your lot in life’.

My daily responsibilities now consist of, ensuring bums are clean, tummies are fed and clothes are washed. I am OK with it and I, along with my partner choose to do this, kind of. Truth be told though, it doesn’t always feel like a great responsibility. I mean it is, I am in charge of not one but two lives. They are completely and utterly dependant on me for more or less everything, it doesn’t get much more ‘hard core’ than that. I wouldn’t change this, not for the world, I am lucky to be able to spend this time with my children. I adore them and I adore having this time with them. That however doesn’t change the fact that, deep down, I want more. Maybe not right now, but somewhere, somehow and at sometime I want more.

As a child, I knew I wanted to have children, at some point. I had them earlier than I thought I would but as it happens it was right. Despite knowing I wanted children I also knew I wanted a career. I wanted the responsibility, the pride and the feeling that comes with working for something, achieving it and being successful at what you do. I also, shamelessly, really like nice things or just things, for me and for those close to me and I like being able to buy them myself, with my money that I have earned. Rightly or wrongly I like to be financially independent. As a child I wanted to be a judge, or a teacher, but I am sure 98% of little girls want to be a teacher at some point. I ended up legally qualified and practicing law. It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be but neither was it all bad. I saw a future in it, I worked toward one and on good days, it was really good.

I have walked away from this now. Possibly indefinitely. I am not sure it is more of this that I want. But I do want to be needed for something other than playing kitchens. For something other than putting dinner on the table or fresh sheets on the bed. I want to be respected for all I have achieved outside of my house. I want people to say ‘fair play, she worked hard and she did well’. I want to be able to provide and not just be provided for.

Yet with that comes a tornado of guilt. I am not saying it is wrong or bad, by any stretch of the imagination, to be provided for or for your ‘more’ to be at home and doing all that comes with it. That is, to my mind one of the hardest jobs and for reasons I still cannot quite fathom attracts the least praise. I am and will be for goodness knows how long. I am not setting out to offend or upset. Most importantly however it is the guilt toward my family. They come first. They are the very top of the queue at this very moment time and I almost feel ashamed to want to change that. To want more. Should my children and being their mother not be enough? Does it make me a bad person to want more? I know it shouldn’t and it doesn’t, not really, yet I can’t help but feel it.

I don’t know if I will get more, I don’t even know what that ‘more’ is right now. I don’t have a career path to speak of now and I wouldn’t know which path to take were I to have a choice. I don’t even know if ‘more’ is in the shape of a job or career. It is not my time now, a phrase that has stuck with me and I have adopted  from Just Saying Mum, who is finding her time again. It may not be my time, for quite some time, but that is OK too. Equally it may be sooner than I think. I don’t know. What I do know, is that it will come again. It may not be how I first envisioned but the baby fog has cleared and I do believe if I want more, I can, when the time is right, we all can. Being a mum doesn’t stop that, if anything it liberates it. It can allow you to re-asses, to re prioritise, to start a new dream because it fits your life now. It can allow you to take the scary step of leaving your safe full time employment to pursue a dream because circumstances have changed. I am learning, to not resent the change, to embrace it. It is a positive and you can make a positive outcome of it. So here is to wanting more.

diaryofanimperfectmum
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16 Comments

  1. Laura: Adventures with J
    May 8, 2017 / 7:16 pm

    I am with you on this one! I am hopefully en route to finding a better balance for me and my son and work but it is really tough! Great thing ia having blogging!

  2. May 8, 2017 / 8:48 pm

    It’s totally okay to want more! I love being a mum but I don’t think I’m cut out for doing it 24 hours a day – going to work gives me a way to use my skills and focus on something other than looking after a small person. I don’t always love it – and I often wish I did less of it – but I know I would miss it if I stopped. Good luck on finding your balance – your time will come.

  3. May 9, 2017 / 8:24 am

    What a beautiful post. I love your honesty. It isn’t about not loving the stage you’re in but knowing that there is so much more you want to do. That time will come. I’m realising that, as you know. I never thought it would, though. When you’re consumed in those days of smalls – which are wonderful but can be so tough – it can be hard to be accepting that it is just a phase. But it is. Life is made up of phases. I”m really learning that. Enjoy all the phases because sadly they go so quickly and you will miss them. Thank you so much for the mention lovely xx

    • Tammymum
      May 9, 2017 / 8:35 am

      I think that is why your phrase has stuck with me so much ‘it’s still my time’, it did feel all consuming and it wasn’t that I didn’t or don’t love this time, because I truly do and wouldn’t change it. It’s just at times you want more or something else as well for you and you feel bad for it. However when I think this I hear post in my head and it, like you say, makes me appreciate his time more and to be patient because it will be over and I will have my time again, and I’ll probably miss this and want it back. Honestly the power of blogging should not be underestimated as it has taught me so much about parenting and myself and I am forever grateful to posts such as yours and all the others I have read that have resonated so deeply. Thank you xx

  4. May 11, 2017 / 7:40 pm

    I worked 2 days when the boys were babies, I now work 3 and int he future may do more. I keep changing my mind though and I think we are entitled to. Our work choices are just that our choices. They suit us and I don’t think anyone should feel or be made to feel guilty about their choice. We all need to feel fulfilled. Great post! 🌟 Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

  5. May 13, 2017 / 9:07 pm

    I adopted older siblings and they do need me so I don’t really have a choice and have to be a stay home parent for a few years. I think it’s perfectly ok to want more – at least I know the feeling. Keep pushing for more! xoxo #KCACOLS

  6. May 13, 2017 / 10:00 pm

    Your family will always come first but you are allowed to want more. Maybe it is healthy for children to see their mum make sure that her life is completely fulfilled? I am assuming that you would ant them to know that they can reach all their dreams. #KCACOLS

  7. May 14, 2017 / 8:51 am

    Oh I love this. I’m a teacher but I’m wondering for how much longer. My priorities have changed now I’ve had my son. I like the idea of a change of path but it’s scary! Thanks for linking to #KCACOLS

  8. May 14, 2017 / 12:39 pm

    Totally relate to this! I earn a good wage from blogging and vlogging and I’m proud of it but its also a juggle with the kids. I doubt my abilities to do both most days! #KCACOLS

  9. May 14, 2017 / 8:18 pm

    Right now my wife is happy with being a sahm. I’m hoping that whatever ‘more’ she wants will be something we can manage because I just want her to be happy. #kcacols

  10. May 15, 2017 / 1:36 pm

    I have a degree and I love using my brain so I’m afraid full time Mum’ing isn’t for me. I work part time, am doing a college course and have 2 days at home, busy but I love it that way! #kcacols

  11. May 15, 2017 / 8:03 pm

    Such a good post – I could have written it! I think we’re very similar. Some days I feel the same but then other days I feel so lucky to have this time with my daughter whilst she’s small and know that a lot of people would give their right arm to do it. It doesn’t make the playing kitchens any less dull, or the tantrums any less annoying. I like Helen’s comment though – it’s all a phase. I want to get back into work one day but for now I’m ok with a career break. This is me now doing the mummying stuff and then in 5 or 7 years time maybe I will be onto a new phase working again.. and in 15 years time another super duper work phase where we can go on luxury holidays all the time! xx #ablogginggoodtime

    • Tammymum
      May 15, 2017 / 9:14 pm

      Oh I so know what you mean. I don’t want to complain about it as like you say some people would give anything to stay home with their children. And it’s not that I don’t want to or am ungrateful. Being lucky enough to stay home doesn’t mean it isn’t hard though. One day lovey will be having those holidays!

  12. May 17, 2017 / 7:42 pm

    I don’t think it’s a case of motherhood not being enough, it’s a case of wanting something else, something for you. And there’s no shame in that! #ablogginggoodtime

  13. May 22, 2017 / 2:06 pm

    I don’t think it is wrong to want more. I went back to college after having my kids and trained as a teaching assistant. It felt good to be doing something for me.
    #KCACOLS

  14. May 26, 2017 / 8:37 am

    It’s definitely OK to want more, I at the moment would love to be a SAHM but then to be honest it may just be a case of the grass being greener! I think I would like to stay home till both my kids go to school and then do something local and part time, you definitely need to do what makes you happy, there’s no right and wrong x #KCACOLS