I am not sure what was wrong with me before having my babies, I seemed to be in the dark about a lot of things. I expected some things childbirth would hurt, lack of sleep, generally increased stress levels. Some things I expected didn’t happen, such as weight gain, turns out breast-feeding does burn 17,000 calories day, especially when you have a baby that feeds all day and all night, but that’s cool. Pass the doughnuts. I also expected to be a Zen, Mother Earth type of mum – I am not. I probably fit better with the mum hiding the bottle Sauv Blanc in her bag but whatevs. Then there was this, these following things that have happened to me since birthing my tiny humans. Things that have, all in all, taken me a little by surprise, to say the least.
1. Your dignity
Man alive you can say goodbye to this. Be prepared to walk around IKEA with your boobs leaking and consequently sporting what is best described as boob sweat patches. If you dare take your sicky reflux baby out of the house, they will vom on the nice old lady cooing over them. You will have to drop your draws and have your foof inspected by a midwife as you lay legs akimbo on your sofa at you 5 day post partum check and you will have your boobs out ALL THE TIME. The thought of your father in law sat across from you as you whip out said boobs is excruciating isn’t it? Yep, so is the reality.
2. Speaking of boobs
Whilst we are on the topic of breasts if you don’t have children yet, pull open your top have a look down and admire the pair you have. Along with the fact nobody is feeding from them, touching them or trying to squeeze milk out of them. Once you welcome your own tiny human into this world it won’t take long before someone you have not long met will start trying to eek out some food for that tiny human. We tried the breast-feeding thing, my girl wasn’t feeling it straight off. In order to not lose what I am told to be liquid gold the ever caring HCA leant a hand, literally. She squeezed my breasts to within an inch of their lives, after I had just squeezed a bowling ball out of my lady parts. It was all getting a little much by this point. Now after two children, two rounds of feedings and constant expressing I no longer have the need for a bra. Just a sign that reads, RIP.
Ok so I did have some expectation on this front. I planned to have it cut into a stylish mum bob as I rocked my inner zen mum with effortless hair. PAH. With pregnancy I welcomed new hair. I literally grew new hair, that now, nearly two years since the birth of my last child is still growing and looking down right weird. It is hair that doesn’t fit into ponytails and just goes where it wants, uncontrollably. Yet here is the best bit, despite these newly filled follicles I seem to be shedding hair at a rapid rate. WTF? My fully grown, long hair. My children have left me googling ‘why is my hair falling out?’ and researching Advanced Tricho Pigmentation Treatment. Trust me, if the hormones don’t get it the stress of toddler tantrums will.
4. Your relationship
We have all heard couples say they have decided to have a baby to bring them closer together or to so say save their marriage. Well I mean this with love but, I don’t understand? Mr Tammy and I were that smug pair that seldom argued. Until we had a child. Then another. My goodness the abuse we have hurled at each other at 3am across the landing, having been dragged out of our separate beds – as dictated by the children. I somehow don’t think that counts are ‘quality time’ or ‘bonding’ that may be required to bring one another closer together. I now understand why they say you have to ‘work’ at a marriage. Work to not murder said partner as they sleep through the umpteenth baby cry or for not having boobs.
What about you? Did you experience any unexpected side effects of having children? Were there things you expected that never materialised or was it all pretty much to plan? Although I somewhat doubt the latter. Either way I’d love to hear from you.