Kiddos, I love you, more than you will ever know. Perhaps until you have your own little terrors and then you might start to understand the feelings I hold for you both. Lately however it seems, I am always on your case. I do not want to be but, you see, I would quite like you to grow up to be decent members of society. Or for us to at least get through a public escapade without total humiliation, mine, admittedly.
I mean, I would rather you didn’t eat like cavemen. It would be nice if you didn’t bull charge head first into someone when you don’t get your own way and ideally, I would rather you didn’t spend time at her majesty’s pleasure, rehab or hospital.
You can get away, kind of, with many a socially unacceptable trait at the moment as you are both under the age of three. It does however mean the responsibility falls on me to make sure that when the decisions are all yours to make that you make the right ones. No pressure then.
So forgive me guys for barking the same orders at you all the time, they are said with love. Sometimes a little bordem, ok a lot, and more often than not frustration or is that desperation? You decide. They are however, above all else, said for good reason. So here are the top 5 things I have had to say to you lately.
- ‘Toby stop hitting your sister’. Should you continue down this path one day someone will hit back and you won’t be able to come yelling for ‘MUMMA’. This goes for biting, shoving, hair pulling and yes, your favourite bull charging. Please don’t take my laughter at your tiny frame stampeding head first in to your well built sister as acceptance. Small man syndrome is not a good quality , see your father for more information.
- ‘Use your spoon’. Eating with your hands is all fun and games, until you have soup, stew, casserole or ice cream. Your hands are sure way to lose your precious food my boy, especially your ice cream. Also, you make us look feral. Just because the boot fits doesn’t mean it should be worn out of the house.
- ‘Zara leave his willy alone’. My dear, I know it is fascinating to see (er, I guess), but cupping your hands on your brother’s nether regions will not serve you well in the big wide world. In fact doing it to anyone will present you problems. Take it from me darling – LEAVE IT ALONE. Whilst we are on the topic, Toby, the man with his hands down his pants is not OK. Leave it be. Er, actually you too Zara.
- Toby will get your hands out of the toilet‘. I am not altogether sure what your obsessions is here, yet you can’t help yourself. Hanging out in toilets will get yourself a bad rep, it did no favours for George Michael (RIP) and having your hands in them, probably a case sepsis. Please mate, keep your hands out of the toilet.
- ‘Will you both just get dressed’. Oh boy babies, this is the bain of my life. Chasing you round, wriggling your squirmy limbs into something to cover your naked bods just so we can leave the house – it drives me mad. Streaking is frowned upon, the general public don’t like nakedness it makes them awkward and they don’t know where to look. If nothing else its bloody baltic out and you’ve already has too many colds this winter. GET DRESSED. NOW. Zara, the same also applies to pulling your trousers and pants down in public and walking around with your bum sticking out. It is unbecoming of a lady, dah-ling.
I am aware I say things twenty thousand times a day and it seems like I am always on your case. I agree it takes the fun out of things a little and I am sorry, but just, GET DRESSED and get your hands out of your pants…and toilet…and we’ll be just fine.