Today something happened, something unexpected, something amazing, something perfectly well-timed. Today my boy, my once poorly, weak and tiny baby boy was discharged from his pediatric consultant care.
I drove home, the same hideous 15 miles for the last time and it felt strange. It was euphoric but it was a quiet euphoria. I am not the emotional type, unless I am watching Grey’s Anatomy, but I felt strangely emotional. I almost, ALMOST, got watery eyed, OK, there may have been one tear, just one.
I was overcome with relief and memories of the last 19 months. The last 19 months have been littered with emotion. It has been a rollercoaster that I am glad to get off. We have felt every kind of emotion but the most common was always worry.
Oh, the worry;
..the worry over his inability to breathe. That he would stop breathing when he was at home, which he did, and that I didn’t have the oxygen masks or the skills I needed to make him breath again.
…the worry over his inability to feed and keep his milk down. The worry we would be back in hospital because he had been sick so many times he wasn’t gaining weight and wasn’t hydrated.
…the worry over his failure to thrive. The worry that he was under weight, loosing weight, not growing. The worry over how he would ever possibly grow.
…the worry over his failure to meet milestones. The worry that the fact he needed be resuscitated, intubated and was unable to breath at birth would have damaged his brain. An all too familiar story to me.
…the worry that he was unwell. The worry over tests and their results. The worry that it would affect his quality of life.
the worry was exhausting.
The worry, is over.
Seeing that tick in the discharge box ended all the worry.
I was sad to say goodbye to the wonderful team of doctors and nurses who have cared for us, and I mean us. They care for the whole family. To the familiarity to a place we have spent so much of our time, but it was a welcome end to a very difficult chapter. It is closure and we are free to start a new chapter, without the bind of the unknown.
Before we do start our new chapter, I have one more thing to get off my chest. It occurred to me that we get a cold and we bitch and moan. I am no different, I have a post waiting on my gripes of the flu season. My boy had an impossible start to life. He had to fight everyday for months and months to get to where he is today. He must have felt so utterly awful at times. So weak and helpless. Yet he did it, he got through and thankfully he will never remember. I have spoken about how difficult I have found it, but it is nothing compared to the difficulties he faced. He was the one doing all the work and he is the one who was strong enough to get himself to be the cheeky, loud, busy, funny and gorgeous little boy he is today.
I could not be prouder of my boy and right now I feel like the luckiest mum in the world.
Here’s to you Tobias.