The alternate mummy awards.

The alternate mummy awards.

Well I don’t know about you but I over the last 21 months of being a mum I have had some pretty epic mummy fails, oh shit moments (literal shit moments) and times where I have wanted to run to the hills and hide with a bottle of wine and some quiet. If there were awards for those mummy fail moments then I reckon I’d be in with a pretty good shout with my entries….

Poo Gate 

Starting nice and high brow as ever. I could probably write an entire post on this but I’ll save you and just share those extra special moments. This is one of my all time mummy fails that I think will stay with me until the end of time. My daughter was sat in the bath and I was faffing about  on Facebook tidying up the bathroom and she was clearly trying to tell me something, she couldn’t talk so I didn’t really know what she was trying to say so I went back to my phone, and then I saw it. OH MY GOD SHES POOED IN THE BATH. I know this is actually common place for many but it was the first time faced with this situation and I did not handle it well. I yanked her out, wrapped her up and drained the water. I was then staring at poo all over an empty bath. For reasons unknown I tried to fish it out with tissue. Why oh why? Tissue disintegrates. It went so badly and was all so horrifying I was then sick in the bath. I was now faced with cleaning both poo and sick out of the bath. Absolute fucking nightmare.

Fortunately I dealt with our second poo gate moment better, albeit marginally. The bath was running, I had just stripped my little boy, including nappy and left him for all of 30 seconds to go to stop the bath. I turned around to see him doing the baby limited version of ‘the snake’ looking very pleased with himself and there it was in the corner of my eye, that familiar shade of brown. My beautiful boy had of course felt the freedom of a bare bum, pooed and then rolled onto it squashing it between his naked tummy and the carpet. I mean what do you do? I needed wipes, disinfectant, cloths (none of which were to hand) and I had a naked toddler running round, a naked baby with poo on him and poo squashed into my carpet. I was well and truely outnumbered by the whole situation.

Raincover trauma

Please do not tell me I am the only one this has happened to? You ‘pop’ out – there’s the first fail, you can never pop anywhere with the small people. Anyway you think you’ll only be 20 minutes, you won’t need the raincover that they having on anyway, so you leave it behind. ‘It’ll be alright’. Only to find yourself 10 minutes from home staring down a big black cloud. Picking your pace up to avoid the heavens opening, those first few teasing drops start landing, followed by avoidable almighty down pour… You have no option, you are equidistant from home or the nearest dry refuge….FFS. So there I was on a main road, two babies in my tandem pushchair without a raincover and clearly about to win mother of the year award. I spent  the next 5 minutes manoeuvring the hood on the pushchair and fixing my (thankfully) over sized scarf around them so they don’t get wet and practically sprint home. I get through the door, both babies are dry and have fallen asleep whereas me and my poxy hoodless jacket are drenched. Quite literally soaked through. At least the babies are dry eh… Pass the wine.

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Oh isn’t he goergeous? 

Now this next one happens a lot, and I mean A LOT, but here’s just the latest example. Our big food shop delivery arrived the other morning – having since given up  actually going to the shop with two babies as that is just a fail waiting to happen. Anyway the lovely driver, and he was lovely if you know what I mean, was bringing the shopping to the door I was waiting with the babies in tow in my dressing gown (fail) when I heard the driver say’oh isn’t he goergeous?’, I smiled politely ‘oh look at those eyes, he’s got amazing eyes’ he said again, ‘oh he really is lovely what’s his name?’ He asks. ‘Zara’ comes my expressionless reply. ‘Oh’. ‘A a… I was going to say what a pretty boy he is but that makes sense now’ he says trying to recover. In all fairness we did have a laugh about it and don’t worry I didn’t berate him for thinking my daughter was my son, he certainly isn’t the only one.  Once we were sat on a flight and Zara was laughing and playing with the people sat in the row behind us, she had a pink top on with hearts on it and he still said ‘what is his name?’. So Zara, as beautiful as you are until you grow some hair I’m not sure we’ll never escape the gender confusion. I’m not too sure what my fail is here, perhaps our inability to produce a girl with long flowing locks…. Ironically her younger brother has lots of hair.

My lovely little GIRL. Think it’ll be dresses for now.

Reflux

If you are unlucky enough to have had a child that suffers with reflux you’ll know just what a nightmare this is. You always need spare clothes with you, for you and your tot and a shed load of Muslin cloths and bibs. What you probably won’t bring with you however is a spare set of the clothes for the nice lady who fusses over your sicky bundle of joy. Yes I nearly died the day when my unassuming little boy projectile vomited all over the nice old lady in John Lewis. There is just no recovery from this. Apologies and excuses only go so far. It was a case of all swell that ends well but my goodness what I wouldn’t have given for the floor to swallow me up at that moment in time.

And then there’s this…

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So I think it’s probably fair to say I won’t be giving supermum a run for her money any time soon. Supermum’s babies, definitely wouldn’t be sick on strangers or poo in the bath and if they did she certainly wouldn’t be sick trying to clear it up. I am sure her girls would clearly look like girls and she would always have the bloody raincover, just in case. Along with a packed lunch, some colouring books and a ‘how to teach your two old Mandarin book’. But all in all we do ok, we make it from sun up to sun down and my babies seem to think I’m quite cool so I’ll take that.

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When butter wouldn’t melt….

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46 Comments

  1. May 2, 2016 / 7:03 pm

    Ahhhh this is hilarious. The vomit after poo gate really made me smile (sorry!) Having a baby makes you realise you’re so much more capable of handling grossness than you realise ???? #bigpinklink

    • tammymum
      May 2, 2016 / 7:13 pm

      Haha yes it was pretty horrendous at the time but hindsight has definitely brought out the funny side! Thank you for your comment xx

  2. May 2, 2016 / 8:47 pm

    I have had poo gate! Once Youngest did the most disgusting poo when she was a baby and it went everywhere. Exploded up her back. I took her to the bathroom and was trying to clean up but it reality it was just getting everywhere. I was then trying not to vomit as it was so yuck. Then Oldest who was then 3 came in saw the poo nightmare and promptly started to gag, whilst I shouted “don’t you dare, don’t” she then vomited over me and then I too joined the pity party by being sick. It was like a scene from a horror movie. Poo and vomit everywhere! xx

    • tammymum
      May 2, 2016 / 8:52 pm

      Oh I’m sorry I shouldn’t laugh but that is such a funny story. Definitely one to tell when they’re older. It is just vile isn’t it. Being a mum can be oh so glamorous! Thanks for your comment xx

      • May 4, 2016 / 11:06 am

        So glam. We nearly had poo gate at the park today. I surprised myself with my super human strength and speed. I threw Youngest over by shoulder and belted it to the toilet! #bloggerclubuk

      • tammymum
        May 4, 2016 / 5:36 pm

        Oh god it’s amazing what we can do in the face of poo gate, especially in public! Xx

  3. May 2, 2016 / 9:58 pm

    No one said parenting was easy, it does change as they get older, but I wouldn’t say gets easier. I think all Mums are supermums really, it does with the job description! #MarvMondays

  4. May 3, 2016 / 7:36 am

    Oh congratulations – you are winning at the Alternate Mummy Awards – brilliant! Such a great post and I wonder whether in awards season you’ve started something here – my fails are endless! So funny – can not believe you were sick in the bath too – my jaw hit the floor! Anyway, who would want o be Supermum? We wouldn’t have any blogging material if we were – they are over on Facebook anyway so we are safe here in our blogging community! #chucklemums

    • tammymum
      May 3, 2016 / 8:09 pm

      Haha I would so love to see others Alternate Mummy Awards already some of the comments have me giggling. I love that – supermums go left for Facebook all others please download WordPress and start yourself a blog to share your horror stories. Thank you for your comment lovey xx

  5. May 3, 2016 / 9:31 am

    Oh my god I have just been laughing aloud, particularly to you being sick in the bath (sorry babe!!) haha. Love the photo of them crying that is hilarious. Ah, so many fails I could list but it would take me too long!! #bigpinklink

    • tammymum
      May 3, 2016 / 8:11 pm

      Yes the bath story does get me chuckling, some 3 months later lol. I was scarred for a while. I love a good mummy fail story always makes me feel better (is that wrong!?) thanks for your comment xx

  6. May 3, 2016 / 9:46 am

    Ah the poo in the bath… I’m sorry for your misfortune but I laughed a lot. In solidarity, you understand… #chucklemums

  7. May 3, 2016 / 7:02 pm

    Brilliant!! I love it!! It just about sums up my life too!! Sorry, I did really laugh at you throwing up in the poo covered bath… That was too much! My husband has a thing about sick (well, I think a lot of people do!) and we were driving back from Cornwall on Sunday, when the eldest threw up in the car with absolutely no warning. It was that really smelly sick too, and my husband pulled over, dived out, and was also sick… BIG fail!! We had a poo in the bath incident once, but it was a diarrhoea poo from the eldest, and it got the baby before I noticed. So he had to be rinsed wailing in the sink, then thrown into bed still screaming while I attended to the eldest. I’d stood him on a towel and told him not to move, which naturally he’d totally ignored, and was running around with poo still pouring out… I was rocking in tears by the time my husband got home…! I’ve also gone out without the rain cover-plenty of times!! You’re definitely not alone!!
    My boys are always mistaken for twin girls! Even with typical boy clothes, the number of oldies who’ve said ‘what lovely girls!!’…
    Brilliant post, thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink

    • tammymum
      May 4, 2016 / 5:36 pm

      Oh my I think I would have been cradling the wine, at least my poo gate was stationary lol. Thanks for the solidarity it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who forgets the rain cover or gets gender confused remarks from strangers! Thank you for you comment, it really made me smile xx

  8. May 3, 2016 / 8:04 pm

    Oh dear – poo gate made me cringe! I’ve experienced several pee in the bath incidents but never a poo, thank God. Not that there haven’t been poo incidents, including one where she kicked her feet into her dirty nappy, then grabbed the nappy, then grabbed me…#passthesauce

    • tammymum
      May 4, 2016 / 8:12 pm

      Uuuurrrgh that does not sound good. Any poo gate is bad in my books. Thanks for your comment xx

  9. May 4, 2016 / 5:36 am

    Yup, can relate to all of these! Enjoyed finding your blog via #BloggerClubUK

  10. May 4, 2016 / 8:29 am

    Oh bless you – those are definitely moments when you want the ground to open and swallow you up. My eldest had reflux when she was being tube fed although thankfully never was sick over a stranger – I was cringing with you on that one, but what can you do?! I have, however, been on the receiving end of something similar as a midwife – when checking a newborn baby over on my last home visit of the day and said baby did a projectile poo which covered me from head to toe. Thankfully I did have a spare set of clothes in my car (in case I needed them for being at a home birth!) so it wasn’t a complete disaster. I’m sure you’ve given the lady in John Lewis an anecdote to tell her friends for years to come! #BloggerClubUK

    • tammymum
      May 4, 2016 / 8:14 pm

      Oh my goodness projectile poo must have been pretty horrendous, thank god you came prepared, not that you can ever be fully prepared for projectile poo gate. Yes I felt so awful for the poor women, fortunately she was sweet about it (as much as you can be) but still I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thanks for your comment lovey xx

  11. May 4, 2016 / 10:57 am

    Haha, I’m laughing with you I promise! We’ve been lucky to have only had a few bath-poo incidents but I learnt quickly that the best method is to find something to scoop – never drain the water!!! Although the most recent one nearly ended up that way – I’d used so many bubbles that it was a secret poo that nearly went unnoticed!! Gotta keep those eyes peeled! #bloggerclubuk

    • tammymum
      May 4, 2016 / 8:16 pm

      Haha that is excellent advice – never drain the water! Oh god talk about a nasty surprise. Thanks for your comment lovey xx

  12. May 4, 2016 / 12:22 pm

    I’m cringing for you over poo gate! How grim! Rian once did a particularly vile nappy in the highchair….that’s probably a post in itself! #chucklemums

    • tammymum
      May 4, 2016 / 8:20 pm

      Haha I’ll await its publication! Xxx

  13. May 4, 2016 / 3:12 pm

    This is brilliant! I’m nodding along to all of these especially poogate – my little one often goes nappy free before bath time. One night she’s happily crawling around on our CREAM carpet and I suddenly smell a whiff. Oh god that’s bad. Christ she’s doing a snake like poo now! And of course the raincover situ, that seems to be an ongoing mummy fail of mine :-) fab post! #bloggerclubuk
    #

    • tammymum
      May 4, 2016 / 8:25 pm

      Ooooh goodness cream carpet, that must have been pretty grim! I’m loving the solidarity from everyone, especially when it comes to forgetting the damn raincover. Thanks for your comment lovey xx

  14. May 5, 2016 / 9:01 am

    Oh I love that picture at then end! I’d definitely give you a run for your money in some of these…I pretty much abandanoned the raincover after forgetting it one too many times! Ohh poo…it’s an ever present constant isn’t it!? #stayclassy

    • tammymum
      May 5, 2016 / 8:58 pm

      Sadly features heavily in my day to day and probably will for some time yet *sighs*. Thank you for your comment lovey xx

  15. May 5, 2016 / 11:07 am

    I think it should be like Brownies where we all get to collect badges. So you could definitely have your “Pooper Scooper” badge and your “not hitting people who get confused about the gender of your child” badge etc etc. We could all start out with something simple like “how to get raisins out from down the back of settee” badge and then work upwards to the more advanced “rain dash”? Once we get a full set we could be rewarded. With wine! Fantastic post. Thanks for linking up to #passthesauce x

    • tammymum
      May 5, 2016 / 9:01 pm

      Oh I love that idea of of collecting brownie style badges! Us mum’s would need more than just that brownie sash to sew them on to that’s for sure. Thanks for your comment xx

  16. May 5, 2016 / 6:39 pm

    Hahah this is so funny, sorry but I laughed at every fail. I think all of them are worthy of “classy” moments, especially the poo and tissue situation. I have done the rain cover thing and as I am such a terrible Mum, I actually didn’t even know what they were until one day it was pouring and I walked to Starbucks (not too far from the house) and all the Mums had rain cover things, meanwhile I was standing there drenched with a baby that was also wet. I did use my scarf as well! It kind of worked. Anyway, I looked like a hot mess, who knows what those other Mums thought?! Thanks for linking with #StayClassy!

    • tammymum
      May 5, 2016 / 9:09 pm

      Oh, I am sorry but that did make me smile just a little but in solidarity honest, I have been there, I was brought a pram without a rain cover and I was showing it off to my Nan and she looked at me and said ‘that’s very nice Sarah but it won’t look like that after you’ve been walking in the rain and have a wet baby sat there’. Talk about first time parent eh xx

  17. May 7, 2016 / 2:09 pm

    Brilliant post! I pretty pretty much share all of your mummy fails… My son has lovely longish curly hair, round face and big eyes and everyone always says ‘such a pretty girl!’ Well i would kind of understand just based on his pretty face but really he could not look more like a boy!!! Funny really.

    #StayClassy

    • tammymum
      May 8, 2016 / 7:09 am

      Ha it’s mad isn’t it! We were at a family do yesterday, my daughter had a dress on and red damsels and someone told me she thought she was a boy, there’s no hope xx

  18. Becky, Cuddle Fairy
    May 8, 2016 / 1:14 pm

    Oh poo in the bath is a total disaster!! I have a little trick if it ever happens again! Have a bucket handy – scoop the poop & water around it into the bucket & pour it into the toilet. Viola! I then drain & disinfect the bath but it’s much easier than poo stuck all over the place. Thanks so much for sharing with #bloggerclubuk

    • tammymum
      May 8, 2016 / 7:09 pm

      Omg this is such amazing advice! I read this comment earlier and thought what a great tip, my boy must have read my mind cause he did a poo in the bath this bloody evening. But I ran and got my bucket, life was so much easier, I cannot thank you enough xx

      • Becky, Cuddle Fairy
        May 8, 2016 / 8:07 pm

        Oh good (not about the poo but so glad it was easier)! You are so welcome. xx

  19. May 8, 2016 / 5:53 pm

    Oh my! Poo gate sounds absolutely horrendous, and twice you poor thing! I have to say, it did make me chuckle though (sorry!). We had lots of the gender confusion in our time and at some point (after getting annoyed a lot) I got over it. Probably when her hair eventually grew LOL. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays as always! Emily

    • tammymum
      May 8, 2016 / 7:14 pm

      Oh my god it happened again tonight. Horrendous. I definitely won’t miss this part of the baby days, and yes I agree I think it’s all in the hair, or lack of! Thanks for your comment xx

  20. May 8, 2016 / 9:16 pm

    So funny and I love that I have experienced some of these events Live.. i remember receiving the final photo with a message that simply said FML!! I think you are supermum xx
    #marvmondays

  21. This had me laughing – because I’ve been there as well! Pooing in the bath was a ‘phase’ at one point – I think I’m immune to all poo related incidents now lol. Thanks for joining us #stayclassy

    • tammymum
      May 10, 2016 / 5:00 pm

      Ha i think I’ve nearly reached immunity! Thanks for your comment xx

  22. May 12, 2016 / 7:28 am

    Oh poo gate. We ended up with a special poo beaker to fish it out and dettol. Lots of dettol! The screaming, together, competing who is louder, yep! And ALL the time I get, oh isn’t she cute, isn’t she adorable….yes, yes HE is! #coolmumclub

  23. May 12, 2016 / 6:44 pm

    Ha ha – poogate! Love the image of you puking over the poo bath! My father in law once caught a naked baby poo in his hand for which I am eternally respectful of 😉
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub

  24. May 18, 2016 / 11:59 am

    Haha – love it! Your poo gates outstrip any I have managed! But done the raincover! & eldest had reflux & puked continuously, though never got a complete stranger! Used to get the gender thing a lot too, not had it for a while now both toddlers – I think it’s to do with amount of hair too. I also always tended to politely go along with it, & would then be stuck if asked name! #coolmumclub