Dear mummy judgy pants 

Dear mummy judgy pants 

We all do it we can’t help ourselves, we judge others and I for one have never hidden from this fact. I love to people watch, I could sit on a sun bed on the beach, mojito in hand and watch the world go by as I make,  albeit harmless but snap and most likely incorrect judgements at unknowing strangers wandering past minding their own. I know, I have a pang of guilt as I wrote that, but I know I am not the only one. We all pass judgement on others like it or not. However since becoming mum there is one thing that has eaten away at me, made me feel inadequate and unsure about how I am parenting – judgey mums and below are just a small handful of topics that I have felt judged on over the last 18 months.

1. The original hot topic, breastfeeding. Damned if you do damned if you don’t. Judgey passers by scorn you for feeding your child in public leaving mums hiding on toilets to feed their children, which quite frankly is a disgrace, but they just want to evade the please stop feeding your child in front of me…under your top… your boob, that I can’t see, is offending me stares or worse comments. On the flip side, you pull out your powder and hot water and you can feel the disapproval from breastfeeding mums. I did both, breast and bottle with both my babies and I didn’t care much for the breast part **shocked gasps..sacrilege**. I found my feeding journey incredibly tough and I ended up expressing milk for both my babies, every three hours. It was a difficult time to say the least. When out and about feeding my breast milk through a bottle I convinced myself that people could tell it was breast milk..as if and when feeding formula I would jump at the chance to explain my story. WHY?! Who cares, feed your child how you want to feed your child and don’t feel judged for it, we are all doing our best for our children so lets leave it at that and leave your judgemental stares at the door.

2. Nursery. There is the ‘I won’t send my child to be looked after by people who won’t look after them as well as I do camp’ and the ‘I think nursery is good for them and their development…not mention a few hours to clean the house would be great’ camp. Whatever the camp pitch up a tent and reside happily in it, but mums, lets not judge our fellow mums for their choice, whether it is out of necessity or not. Neither is right nor wrong. If you and your child are happy and it works for you then what’s the issue? My little girl goes to nursery for a day and half a week, I am at home during this time with my baby boy on mat leave, so it is not strictly necessary. However, she really enjoys it, Toby gets some one on one time with mum and I have some time to do all the things I am too busy to do when they are both home. Yet I couldn’t help but feel reticent about admitting to my child being in nursery, when I am not at work because I felt judged about this choice. Why?! It cannot be right that the judgement of others over choices that work for our family make me feel that way. Agree or disagree with my choice, I don’t care just respect it as my choice.

3. Working. Go to work and you are the cold parent who doesn’t want to spend every available minute with their child, stay at home and your not teaching work ethic and taking the easy option. Being at home is not the easy option, trust me. I have worked harder in the last 18 months than I have done, through a law degree, law school and a career as a lawyer. My current job is 24 hours a day 7 days a week, no holiday no sick leave no spare 5 minutes to have a wee in peace – SAHM you have my utmost resect. Workings mums, you too, you battle rush hour, endure long hours on no sleep and come home and there is dinner, bath time and bed time to contend with and if you’re lucky a tantrum to boot. I am still on mat leave and haven’t made a decision about my future but whilst discussing it with someone and I mentioned the possibility of going back to work I was met with ‘so you’re going to choose your job over your kids then’. I felt pretty awful after that, is that how the world will see me? Am I bad person? A bad mother? Shame on you for making me feel that way and shame on you for being so closed minded to the needs and necessities of other mums. Have an opinion by all means, you are entitled to it but don’t use it to make others feel bad.image

4. Weaning and pre made baby food. Oh my goodness did I feel full of shame when I pulled out my Ella’s kitchen pouches or shop bought fish pie to look around and see other babies tucking into lovingly blended organic fruit, or last nights separately made curry that was made without spice or salt. I obviously didn’t love my daughter enough to make her a separate dish. That or I was so busy feeding a newborn, making dinner, tidying the house or trying to stay awake long enough not to face plant said curry I simply opted for the easier option. It got us through the day during a difficult time and I am OK with that so mummy judgy pants if you’re not then that’s on you.

4. Sleep training, another uber divisive parenting topic. We are all obsessed with sleep and getting our children to sleep through the night and we all have different ways of getting through the night. Whether you advocate ‘controlled crying’, co-sleeping or nursing to sleep, whatever your method, that is up to you. You may not agree with another mums choice you may in fact fundamentally disagree with it but don’t berate another mum who is battling through sleepless nights at her wits end willing to try anything to get some sleep. The world will not end because mum and daughter share a bed, get over it.

Mummas, I could go on and on listing everything I felt (and probably have been) judged over since being a mum and I doubt I am the only one. Chances are we feel bad enough all by ourselves, we are loaded with mummy guilt and second guess our choices daily, what we don’t need is someone else doing the same to us. I am a big believer in ‘whatever gets you through the day (or night)’ and if its not your child and you’re not there you don’t get a say, well not a judgy dos and dont’s say at any rate. Considered, respected opinions are welcome, critical comments absolutely not. We’re all mummies and we all love our children and do our very best by them, so how about everyone sticks together and respects their fellow mums and how they parent and say hey well done you, you’re doing a fab job, you’re child is well fed, happy and healthy, and they’ll sleep through the night, eventually, promise.

So to all you mummas (and pappas) out there, big love and respect, keep going as you are – unless you’re  judging other mums, stop that, its just not cool.

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday



Mummuddlingthrough
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32 Comments

  1. January 10, 2016 / 8:18 pm

    Oh yes this is something so many of us are guilty of at some point and time. Why do we do it? *Who knows*. But when it’s us on the other end of the Judy pants it’s simply not acceptable, and it can be so hurtfull too. I think mummies and daddies really need to stop and think before passing judgement next time {not that there should be a next time}! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday. Xx #KCACOLS

    • January 10, 2016 / 9:59 pm

      Yeah you’re right we all do it and can’t help ourselves … Until the tables have turned and we realise it’s not so nice. I’m sure it will carry on for many mummies to come but hey for my part I’ll try and embrace not judge… Xx

  2. January 10, 2016 / 9:52 pm

    Agreed! We all do it but we need to just support each other rather than judge – easier said than done I guess. #KCACOLS

    • January 10, 2016 / 9:56 pm

      Yeah that’s the problem, it’s so easily done but when the tables turn we suddenly don’t like it… Here’s to sticking together ey!

  3. Tracey @ One Frazzled Mum
    January 12, 2016 / 12:03 pm

    The way I see it is as long as our kids are happy and healthy does it matter how we parent! Obviously so, I can be a judgy mum sometimes but it is also followed (in my head) by the reasons the are like that sometimes I just can’t help myself but I would never let those thoughts out and force them on someone else though #KCACOLS

    • January 12, 2016 / 9:40 pm

      That’s the key isn’t it, thinking things is one thing but verbalising them is another. Our thoughts (out loud) can sometimes have a greater impact than intended and leave a mumma feeling a little unsure. That’s all I’m really getting at, having been on the receiving end I think Its taught me to tread a little more carefully when it comes to sharing my parenting dos and don’ts. Thanks for your comment xx

  4. January 14, 2016 / 9:45 am

    Totally agree with you! I started doing #Mommitment last year – it’s a fab community and a promise to judge less and support more! We’re all in it together, we may as well be supportive rather than bickering! Great post #coolmumclub xx

    • January 14, 2016 / 1:28 pm

      Oh that’s sounds fab I will go check it out xx

  5. January 14, 2016 / 9:59 am

    Sometimes we are totally our own worst enemies and put so much pressure on ourselves! I admit to squeezing a pouch of pre-made food in to a little tupperware container to fake ‘home-made’ ; what a moron! Thanks for the honesty #coolmumclub

    • January 14, 2016 / 1:30 pm

      Ah bless, it’s rubbish isn’t it, here’s to no more judgement and not feeling the shame ey xx

  6. January 14, 2016 / 1:21 pm

    Great post! And so true – there is so much judgement on everything as a mother which I find quite tough! We’re all in it together it should be far more supportive. Thanks for such a great post xx #coolmumclub x

    • January 14, 2016 / 1:49 pm

      Yes definitely one for all and all for one and all that. Thank you for your lovely comment xx

  7. moderatemum
    January 14, 2016 / 1:41 pm

    Thanks I needed that! I was desperate for someone to make a comment about my breastfeeding so I could give them a piece of my mind but alas only encountered open minded people (in fact the only comment I got was in the CHILDRENS CENTRE) I was breast feeding in reception and was asked me to move into a private room. I think they were trying to be helpful but it made me feel like I should be hiding (I didn’t move). When I hear people judging other parents the majority of the time I get the overwhelming sense that they are actually doubting their own choices #coolmumclub

    • January 14, 2016 / 1:52 pm

      Ah I’m glad you didn’t come up against too much hostility, and good on you for not moving! Yeah you’re probably right there, like most things when it comes to judging others it probably comes from a place of insecurity! Thank you for your comment xx

  8. January 14, 2016 / 1:57 pm

    I think those judgy pants mums just need to have those big judgy pants pulled firmly over their heads and mouths to keep them schtum! This is a total #mommitment post. Have you thought about linking up to those gals with it? More info here: http://mommitment.org/

    Thanks as always for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely lady. Talya – http://www.motherhoodtherealdeal.com

    • January 14, 2016 / 2:03 pm

      Ha yes they should. No I have only heard about it for the first time today, I will definitely go and check it out x

  9. January 14, 2016 / 8:05 pm

    Totally agree. I have breast and formula fed. I have co-slept with one child and tried CC with the other two. I have fed two kids from jars and practised BLW with the other etc etc. And you know why? Because all kids are different. Circumstances change. What works for one child or family doesn’t work for another. The sooner we all realise this and start respecting each others choice the better :-)

    #coolmumclub

    • January 14, 2016 / 8:09 pm

      Oh that’s so well put and spot on, thank you for sharing! X

  10. January 14, 2016 / 8:41 pm

    Don’t even start me on the bottle / breast thing. With two very early, very sick babies, who spent 5 and 13 weeks in neonatal, I wasn’t able to breastfeed and had to express or formula feed entirely. I had so many people make really unhelpful comments that had me in tears. The fact that I was so set on breastfeeding the twins made it all the worse as I was wracked with guilt, although it was all outside my control. So hes, let’s just all look after our own kids and chill out about anything anyone else does!!!!!!! #coolmumclu

    • January 14, 2016 / 8:55 pm

      Oh you poor thing it’s horrible isn’t it, you beat yourself up and it’s in no way your fault! I can so relate to that. My second one is in neo natal for 5 weeks and I did the expressing thing for him and my first. Like you I so wanted to bf and I made myself ill stressing about it with the first and expressing all hours of the day and night. In hindsight it was so silly of me. I do hope your little ones are ok now? Thank you so much for sharing xx

  11. January 14, 2016 / 10:07 pm

    I’ve read so many posts on this in my time as a blogger – as it is indeed the hot topic with parenting – and I just can’t for the life of me ever understand why the hell anyone needs to judge mums. I just don’t get it! The funny thing is I have a very judgemental streak in my character (thanks to my family who are all the same lol) yet the mum judging thing never happened with me, in either direction. I have 3 kids and to be honest spent enough judging my own parenting and I guess I’ve never had the energy to look at what someone else is doing! Did someone actually say that to you re possibly going back to work by the way? My eyes went out on stalks when I read that. I do hope you develop a really good comeback line for next time anyone asks you that. Why can’t people just shut up? Lovely post. #coolmumclub

    • January 14, 2016 / 10:17 pm

      Yes why people feel the need is beyond me too! And sadly yes those were the exact words uttered to me when talking about my potentially return to work, and part of my inspiration behind this post. I was dumbfounded I don’t think I said anything, quite unlike me, but I don’t think I digested it until I’d got home and really thought about it. So yes next time I will be armed with a come back to put them in their place… But hey it would be truly awful of me to choose my work over my kids and God forbid put them in a nursery to be looked after by people who won’t do it as well as I do…ha to be fair they’ll probably look after them better and my kids will prob probably want me to go back full time 😂

  12. January 15, 2016 / 3:24 pm

    This is a topic I’ve written about before, and could go on and write about it again and again, there’s so much material! I’ve never felt so judged as I have been as a parent. We have a lot of similarities too, I stopped breastfeeding my second baby, because I just didn’t like it, after expressing constantly, just to say he was getting breast not formula, when really I wasn’t worried which one he was getting-I was appeasing others! And my eldest has just started nursery for a day and a half a week aswell, and I’m at home! I’d had all sorts of ‘you’ve got to let him go,’ ‘he’ll never settle at school’ comments, and I wished people would keep their noses out!!!! You are right, we all do it to some extent, but it’s just best to be mindful that you’ll never know the full extent of the circumstances behind your judgement, and mums in particular just need to be a bit kinder to each other!
    #coolmumclub

  13. January 15, 2016 / 11:13 pm

    It’s terrible isn’t it! It doesn’t matter what we choose to do for our family, someone will disagree. Someone will not think it’s ‘right’. It drives me mad! Great post, and I really really identify with every single one #coolmumclub

    • January 16, 2016 / 4:37 pm

      Ah thank you for your comment and yes you’re right someone roll always have something to say on the matter – perhaps were better ignoring them then wishing they’d stop!

  14. newmummyblogcom
    January 15, 2016 / 11:15 pm

    I really agree with every point. It’s terrible isn’t it! We just can’t do the ‘right’ thing, someone will disagree. I really really identify with every point, thanks for sharing, it really is nice to know it’s not just me feeling self concious #coolmumclub

  15. January 16, 2016 / 12:13 pm

    Yes I agree with this!! I don’t understand why we all have to judge. We will be in a better world if we all just respect each other without judging. I agree that we are all entitle of our opinion but just until there no more than that!! This is a real problem that hopefully we could try to change. Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. I would love to see you again on Sunday! :-) x

  16. January 16, 2016 / 6:50 pm

    I’m with you on whatever gets you through the day! I’ve done a lot of the things the same as you and felt judged at different times. I think that people who vocalise their judgements have probably felt judged themselves and are unfortunately passing it on in some misguided attempt to ‘help’. It’s all part of th vicious mummy guilt cycle :( #coolmumclub

    • January 17, 2016 / 8:51 pm

      Yes you’re probably right there shame it’s not so helpful though ey. Thanks for your comment x

  17. January 18, 2016 / 6:04 pm

    Such a great post – thank you! I get so frustrated myself with the mummy judging. Live and let live I say! Thanks for sharing. #coolmumclub

    • January 18, 2016 / 8:36 pm

      Ah thank you that’s a lovely comment. And yes I’m with you, let’s live and let live x

  18. July 29, 2016 / 1:23 am

    This is so true. I breastfed my two boys but for some reason I couldn’t feed my baby girl. I felt so terrible and felt I had to explain why I was giving her formula. I don’t understand why, even if someone thinks a certain way, they feel the need to voice it! Great post, loved it.